Human consciousness is a bottomless pit that I dared not gaze into. It is much easier to graze the surface, pay bills, fuck, sleep and eat. I loved living with the pretense of sophistication while bumping around like a bobble head doll spinning in a pinball machine, all the while the lights would dazzle me into a state of stupefied mirroring the stupidity and wonder of a drugged mental patient or a faithful church goer. Once the pit is acknowledged no light can escape from it, however. The darkness calls the will to power out of the machine. Satan is there, and nothing I am. While others go to A.A. meetings or church or whatever public union tickles their pickle, it is the places they fear where I find her. I find her in the strip clubs, I find her at the casino, in the chat rooms, on facebook. I see her joy in blessed destruction of artificial paper dolls that used to glow with the light of righteousness, but now rot with the smell of corpses. The place I truly first met her however, was in a place far more mundane. I met her in a Waffle House. My power was there, and so was hers. The phoenix and the crow began their slow descent into the toilet bowl of consciousness and would stand and rise above and below the waves of dreary lives.
She was dancing while adversity was at home prancing. Hope and fear were purged. Satan is here, and so God and the Devil met at four o’clock during a mundane Thursday afternoon. Someone was there with me. He was a prisoner, and so his name is gone. His inspiration of prison and envy inspired my call to her. “I like your shirt,” I observed with a smile of crows that filled my eyes and an indifference that gleamed her attention towards me. So began my journey to hell. The glory of resurrection hinted in her smile as only God would know how well She would need the devil to guide her through the endless night of ape like adorers who revel in the light and die in the darkness. She cried out for a guide, and so as a falcon I arrived. My existence was profane to light worshipers who could not live apart from the sign of the sun, who would fall asleep and hate as my darkness covered them in evening shroud. One, two, three. One two three. Each fell with the silence of a lonely tree. Echoed in the woods they knew. They knew! Life would not echo back their sound! They were dead and would die because no one was around! Nothing is what they are! Nothing is what they were!-And to nothing they have returned. Unable to observe themselves they had to die as the sun waved them by.
One I was intent to destroy but withheld my scepter at the Sun’s command. It hers to die, and hers to smite his unworthy weary cry. It was for him to cry out to life how he would love to die while begging for light to save him from the darkness that would swallow him while the crows sing him a lullaby. You are worthy!-you are worthy!-they cry. They eat his flesh and live in his bones. What a wonderful treat you are! You fed us! we don’t lie! We will die without your rot and root giving us shelter while we stave off the danger of the moon’s incessant chanting and humming. In fear of the night they obey. Satan commands and they stay. They scrape his bones, and revel in his pain. Vultures love the dying rabbit! They worship him in circles and fly in obedience to the sun. But the sun is still falling, and still must run, run, run! The drum has barely begun while the snake and star open the gate to the next bazaar.
For it is door number two that leans into the chant. “I love your light!” they cry. “Won’t you give me a chance!” Being obedient to her nature, the sun will oblige. The night will not suffer the light. It is the moon’s turn tonight. Though they plan, though they plot. Her loyal trait is not there to improve her lot. She visits me. She is set for me. In the dire eyes of hunger and need, we meet again with waffles and greed. Wrath is her name tonight. “Purge yourself of your wrath onto those that would harm you! Destroy those that seek to devour you! Love will not light the way against the coming waves of those who think they own your light! Love yourself! Love your light! It is yours, as you must guide yourself against the traps that are set against you in the guise of right!” She listens. It is a call she knows. It is a call for her. It was always meant for her. It always consumed her. She had to escape into the sun so as not to be devoured by my consuming darkness when her time would rise. However, the time of light has set, and set into darkness she must.
The Just must find their place in the deep nothing that supports. Though darkness must justify light, so I am. So light must beset darkness. I am Sam. Into I am, I am. Fallen I am. From the light of A.A. I never was. A.A. declares that I would be happy joyous and free! I just needed their god to become one with me! I never would! Never! Their freedom offers me chains, and my chains offer me freedom! The Phoenix gave me the scepter of the gods. To be I must give in. That which would destroy would set me free! Obsession follows me! The light cannot save me! So I descend in darkness, while the light has gone to set her own play. The swives and swerves threaten me. Their God would swallow me! So infected I was with “love!” My will is too aligned, and darkness guards me against parasitic efforts of god against me! I must descend into the chamber. Hell is where I am headed. I have a cell waiting for me. They think it is a prison. It was designed for me when I fell away from god’s disgrace. But Shame has become my glory. Pandemonium has become my dwelling place. I defeat god as he comes to drag me away in disgrace. I mock him from a distance as I no longer need to be imprisoned at the sight of his face!