User blogs
Hello SIN. It's been awhile since I've posted, I know. I thought some of my earlier posts were lacking in quality, So I took a much needed hiatus. But now I'm back. I wanted to wait until I had something to say, and I do. For those of us that grew up before social media and saw it rise to become what it is, we knew a very different world. A world where what you said or how you looked didn't matter as much as what you did. Before I was labeled, marked, and cut out as a "troll" or as a person to be ignored and hated and put on that list, I had a good time. I had such a good time in fact, I think it deserves to be recorded somewhere. I was supposed to be a nice kid from church camp and marry a fat girl and raise brats. I rebelled, fought, and spat and kicked, and never accepted the omega position in life. I used tricks, violence, lies, manipulation and everything else. I've had a small total of 12 girlfreinds in my life, I've been in 8 bands, lived in 4 states and 3 countries, and the internet couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was even popular at times, and admired. None of this was supposed to happen had certain powers in my life got their way.
In life, I always went with 2 main principles. number 1 is if people do it to you, do it back harder. Number 2 was me and mine first. To say I've never cared what people thought of me is not exactly accurate. I did for a time. I maintained a persona, but I didn't like being fake 100 percent of the time. As a known cheat and liar, I actually developed a very clear appreciation for the truth. Indeed one might say, being born into and participating in a world of disgusting lies and fraud, I very much strived for something real in life.
You see, I knew I was at a disadvantage from the beginning. I knew I would always be fighting uphill and nothing was ever going to be easy. Before there was facebook, or twitter, and before everyone got tracked and recorded, I was the greatest dork in disguise of all time.
The social order we have now is based on an internet social credit system. I have heard people say that social credit is coming, but I disagree. It's been here for years now. I know this because I used to play the character of a popular/good looking person and fooled just about everyone. I went from bottom of the barrel nerd, to smashing the whole highland highschool cheerleading team in 2 months just by wearing some clothes and playing guitar in a band called the amityville horror. Had I attempted this just 5 years later I would've been exposed and ridiculed. But that's not what happened. I got to enjoy every piece of life for awhile. I dare say for awhile I felt accepted and happy. If you are seething with rage right now, good.
Even before the internet, before I knew the things I know now, I knew I was destined for obscurity and an uninteresting life. I felt it and resented it with every part of who I am. I vowed at an early age to hack life, get what I want, get it as cheap as possible, and to never stop. I've held true to that.
Even after the internet pigeonholed me, I still continue to enjoy life. I still have a social life, and even a sex life. All things I was supposed to never have or experience. So how do you do this you might ask? It isn't easy, but heres a short guide for others looking to escape the nerd box and really live:
1. people are stupid. popular people are really stupid, so donate alot of time to learning how to impersonate an idiot. Nobody likes a know it all, as a matter of fact most people hate it when you know anything.
2. Never share your true feelings, and lie about absolutely everything until you're with people you trust. Even then guard your heart. The more truth people know about you is more ammo for them to attack you with.
3. Learn to be selfish, and have no empathy unless it benefits you or your loved ones.
4. decide who your loved ones are in life and stick to them like glue. Real freinds are a treasure that is priceless, and you will need help to survive in this world.
5. Never fear a quick death. dying fast in a dangerous place with your heart racing is better than slowly wasting in a hospital bed. You're going to be forgotten anyway, but also remember to sell your one life dearly, because it's the only thing that will ever truly be yours.
If you found any part of this offensive, good. Fuck you, I've had a great life and you can't do anything about it. I already won. I already have the memories. I defeated the christians, the feminists, the idiot herd, my own family. None of them were able to force me down into the place they wanted me. I win. I'm going to keep winning. And you can too.
MemberFacebook seemed somehow different than the rest in a couple of ways in that they 1) appeared to require the use of legal names, and 2) were apparently implementing a diverse set of interaction applications interior to their network. I was satisfied watching the Satanists come and go, occasionally create a temporary account i rarely used once learning that such things wouldn't be immediately stomped, and unifiedly emphasizing my online projects in an overt fashion.
At some point a few of us who were using IRC in a very small, yet tight-knit, group decided that Facebook might offer an opportunity in that it accommodated chat there in groups, and this might get more traffic than we were seeing in Dalnet. We created a joint account none of us were concerned with losing and shared a login and password amongst us.
Through time this seemed to yield potential. Chat seemed possible and might attract 15-20 or more people simultaneously with only a few technical glitches. At times people were added without providing permission, and the technical idiocy of Facebook provided for absolutely zero (0) moderation or expulsion, making it extremely tentative and restricted to the mature. Gaining group members we soon found out that the only groups *capable* of sustaining the chat feature were those with less than 30 or 40 members maximum. This immediately killed the possibility of using the same group and chatting using it.
Once the chat feature became problematic, enthusiasm for the project began to wane amongst participants. As the weeks and months wore on internecine squabbles erupted and from what we could tell there were reports to Facebook and these compromised a series of accounts of those who became the targets. We could never tell, initially or eventually, from the outside whether someone was having problems with their account due to technical limitations and who was receiving a challenge to their account from Facebook admin, asking for identification or proof of being "Samael Deathbringer" or whatever pseudonym the person was using.
By slow and incremental portions almost everyone began to either resurface with a new, legal name, or simply reappear with a new account and a new, or the same, nickname they had been using before. The technical means of keeping people together as friends or group members or whatnot while all this was happening was somewhat tenuous, and people became more and more quiet within Facebook as a result. Fewer and fewer of our group continued to use the shared account, until pretty much i was left with it.
At that point i decided to see what i might do with it. I had my legal name account, and was exploring the ins and outs of that to good effect. I re-assigned the name of the group Satanist account and quickly learned that there were only so many *times* that this could be done (maybe once or twice more after exploring). Not only this, it wouldn't even ALLOW my Satanic initiated name (either "Troll" or "Towelhead"), so i was stuck with trying to get a variation on my title, winding up with 'Grand Mufti Satanist', all of which apparently passed their mechanical filters.
I then set about issuing friend requests to dozens and dozens of people: anyone with the name 'LaVey', anyone with 'Satan' in their name, etc., and it was only after about the first 40 or 50 that i began to get challenges via the Facebook system that i "might not be using the account as was intended". I discontinued and tried the same thing the next day or a few days later and had similar effect. I built it up to something like 1400 Friends and then it began giving me regular captchas, so i stopped that and instead began to explore its chat feature.
I began to add hundreds of people to chat without asking them and seeing what would happen. There were many who simply remove themselves from the "discussion", some who were very happy to be there and commenced to chatting away, and some who bitterly complained at being dumped there without asking. Some made noise, others began to converse in very interesting ways amongst us.
Eventually it became obvious that chats like this didn't last long and, while we could have a sustained engagement of this type, inevitably a bunch of us would be compromised and our accounts removed and so those who knew one another couldn't really sustain being members of it. The chat was truly a bust, and this after i had abandoned IRC and Dalnet to devote a bunch of time to analyzing and exploring Facebook.
Meanwhile SIN and other boards were going through upheavals and revolutions, and we would occasionally get word from Zach about it. In Aug of last year i heard from him and had to re-sign-up because he'd lost control or the whole thing had been hacked. I dutifully and loyally re-created the Troll account after all that history which had gone before, and posted the 'Triumphant Return' essay which had become my herald upon again returning (prior after having again received a booting from the board, now upon the board itself returning!).
After months i was pretty much the lone standing of us who hadn't been relegated to a legal name account or departed to realms elsewhere. I had joined numerous groups, wrestled with a batch of interested Satanists and quasi-Satanists, Dark Pagans, etc., creating numerous groups, taking over some after they'd been abandoned, seeing some of them set from Public to Closed and from Closed to Secret heavily restricting the likelihood of being found without advertizing.
After some 2-3 years at least of this kind of activity (almost entirely separate from my first account), Facebook finally caught up with me and challenged the Grand Mufti Satanist name, requesting it be changed, and i changed it to 'Satanist Grand Mufti' and wondered how they would possibly leave it untouched. For another 6 months or so i bolstered the groups and pages that i owned with that account by co-owning them with my original account, just in case, watching numerous of my friends lose accounts because of their pseudonyms (mostly Satanists and Neopagans) and sure that that account would be doomed but i'd make my best effort to retain it.
Sure enough some 3.5-4 years into its use i finally got the challenge i was expecting demanding an ID. I examined their rules, which stated that if you had a piece of correspondence and a business card with your name on them, then this would be acceptable proof of identity. I spent the $15 to have a minimal set of business cards with 'Satanist Grand Mufti' on them with my photo and email address, sent myself some mail which arrived without a very heavy cancellation, scanned them both and sent them in for proof.
Perhaps needless to say, despite their rules including this, they did NOT accept this as a name, and froze the account. I then set into the next phase of my plan (which i had only barely prepared to implement -- my efforts were somewhat half-hearted). I designed a means of recreating an account using a RTF file with links to all the friends that i cared to reproduce, plus links to all groups to which i wished to belong, and then used this with different email addresses successively to recreate the Satanist Grand Mufti named account. I got this down to a 15 minute process!
So then i proceeded to watch as the Facebook folks put my IP on a more and more brief watch and hand-refroze the account with less and less intervening time until the last couple were 2 days and about 4 hours. At that point (May of 2015) i gave the whole project up and re-set the pages of Troll Towelhead to operate as my Satanist outlet, noticing a huge decrease in my involvement amongst actual Satanists. I just got the repeat Christians wanting to sell their souls.
Since then i've been busy, and intended to once again set out into the internet to find out whether any of these boards were alive. I did find SIN immediately (someone posted a Facebook ad for the New Testament Satanic Bible with a foreward by Zach Black which drew my interest in looking him and SIN up). That gave me incentive.
So here i have returned, and just in the last few days have resumed IRC Dalnet #satanity involvement as well, letting Venus and other regular denizens of it that this was the intention.
So hello again! :)
Troll Towelhead, Grand Mufti of Satanism
https://www.facebook.com/Tr0llT0welhead
(even pages couldn't contain 'troll' or 'towelhead'! only with zeros!!)
MemberThe internet is, where i have ventured, a topic-identified terrain. Every one of these allowed for the possibility of identifying a new "Evil", a new "Wrong", and a new dualistic condemnation into which i might fit myself. The first primary choice on my part was within my occult order. I had read many of the works of the occult author Aleister Crowley and noted with distaste that he had engaged a dualistic rant against those whom he termed 'Black Brothers', the 'Fratribus Nigris' as i reflected on it. I notice additionally that my kin within that order (the O.T.O.) were applying this to those whom they saw as rivals, of 'doing things the Wrong way', and generally whom they condemned. I realized at that time that my name within that order would need to be 'Black Brother', and out of sympathy for the condemned (and a touch of bad Latin) i aspired to attain to the exalted aims of the Thelemite while i chose as my initiated name 'nigris', later discovering its numerological value of 333, a resonance with the Demon of the Abyss, Choronzon, and many other things.
One of the defining characteristics of this Abysmal Demon (333) is a multifaceted identity or polyfaciae, at times associated to dispersal and psychosis. Whereas my aims were always the same and subsequent self-identifiers in qabalistic (hara), Muslim (Haramullah), Wiccan (Lorax666 of the Evul Wikkhunz), and Satanist (boboroshi, nocTifer) contexts have to me and those i know resolved to a single coherent center, consistently i have been opposed by those who took surface for content, label and packaging for what and who i am, and those who want to use labels and names to castigate and berate others in juvenile ways.
My conversion to Satanism (i wasn't born into any religion) primarily oriented in opposition to what i regarded as a lux-o-philic and anti-darkness bias exercised by Hermetic and Neo-Gnostic occultists interested in escalating Lucifer to a high status, while casting the rest into ignorance, such that even this alternative name for Venus remained forgotten. I forged my pact with Satanas Paternas, wrote my scripture, and summoned demons all under the name 'nocTifer' or 'bringer of darkness'. My time as part of the Church of Euthanasia, a fanciful escalation of Satanism as i understood it, detracted little from this, and when that ecclesia dissolved around me i was content to resume that darkness-oriented identity.
As i began to understand the media developments within Satanism, watching several 'shells' of technical venues left abandoned by users (including at first alt.satanism in a flight to protection, then in several series of moderated venues with new technological presentations, such as yahoogroups, googlegroups, and then waves of web-boards), and the replication of media form through time emphasized by availability of broadcast (text, sound, video), it became obvious to me that my prediction from the 1990s that the internet would compete with, and then completely replace, television (which i generally dislike) would come to pass, and that semi-interactive novelties such as BlogTalkRadio.com and YouTube.com (YT) were the sonic and videographic landscapes, respectively, into which a good part of intelligent discourse was headed after having fled from IRC and usenet long ago.
I trailed Satanism through boards, and was intrigued to find it making innovative appearance in YT. Due to my disciplines and observations of social repercussions, i avoided YT as i had avoided photographs and film for more than 2 decades. When i met Beast Xeno in IRC (one of these former 'wild zones' for chat: a moderated subset of it) he exposed me in greater depth to something i'd already known about from Venger Satanis: the Cult of Cthulhu. Though it related to the mystical works of Gurdjieff, the outstanding horror of Lovecraft, and somehow tried to twist itself around a form of Satanism ostensibly distended out of LaVey, i had heretofore avoided it on account of the corrosive methods taken by Crazy Wisdom teachers like Gurdjieff and Rajneesh. That Beast liked it was intriguing, and i found his friendship inspiring enough to seek out his writings interior to that private web board (another reason i'd avoided it - its privacy). I would go on to assist their efforts somewhat in the Cult, interact with a number of its other members, and become recognized as a Keeper of the Green Flame therein.
That was odd enough and fun, but something that i hadn't expected was his radio show with Venger Satanis, called 'The Ooze'. It was new technology to me, even though my guru had a student who was a professional radio producer and DJ, they'd been doing a show together for years, and i would later replace him operating the sound board for more recent versions of that show unto this day. Encountering The Ooze was intriguing, and gave me incentive to follow Beast into another project he indicated to me he had a strong part in producing: the Satanic International Network (S.I.N.). It was just beginning, and as i explored it and the people involved with it (finding out as much as i could about Zach Black, for example, in order to integrate him, along with Beast and Venger, into the references on well-known Satanists i have maintained), i began to realize how 'out' its participants were in YouTube (YT). That there was some emphasis on cameras in the Tinychat there, and presentation of footage of this once or twice to YT by Zach was noted by me in my estimation of its character.
At some point i undertook to explore Tinychat.com, and noticed that the intense reaction i had received in regards my appearance was enhanced and doubly-strong amongst the conservatives who frequented it ("Osama! Are you going to bomb us?!"). I understood fairly quickly that this was a reproduction of usenet and IRC but in videographic media, and that YT was a fair but private replication of usenet. At that point the sequential development of media became clear to me, and shortly thereafter i had a vision of engaging YT while preserving my vow of humility (with some suggestions from my guru): I could wrap my face and take on a proper pseudonym. My brief exposures to YT through association with my good friend Venus Satanas made it clear to me what the "Wrong", "Evil" and condemned class of individuals within it were called: trolls. This became so obvious that the term was now abused so as to refer to anyone whose position or expression one did not like.
I knew that, like in every other venue (topical), i needed to self-identify properly so as to pursue my practice of Satanism as i understood it. In the Satanic and YT contexts i pinpointed my nickname therein: Troll Towelhead. The surname was amusing and yet proper in that i had been given a Turkish turban to wear and a religious office to occupy and maintain (Grand Mufti of Satanism) by my guru, and these were perfect for my purposes in opposing an obvious anti-Muslim supplement to the anti-satanism of the 1990s. I saw this carry also into the Satanic subculture, striking alongside a willingness to accept fascism and bigotted stupidity of many sorts, ostensibly in the name of 'embracing evil' or 'self-development'.
The first name, however, was so thrilling, so exciting to me on account of its multi-valence, that i could barely contain myself. What a discovery! This wasn't just applicable to YT, but to every internet venue! The future of internet Satanism as i knew it! Its character in relation to how intellectuals who dispute against and reveal uncomfortable features in faulty logic or philosophic discourse were slandered with the name was precisely what i'd observed as regards the term 'sophist' amongst some philosophers. Popular cynical Satanists repeatedly mentioned the term and its use for castigation was precisely what i seek out in topical contexts as facile and chilling.
The secondary dimension to the first name 'Troll' was in part what thrilled me the most, since i have for many years studied magic, and have more and more strongly began to focus on folk magic and its materia magica (something my guru loves in relation to African American culture and encourages the world over).
A fellow student of my guru who apprenticed with her here for weeks is also a fan of The Devil (particularly Der Teufyll, the Woods God/god(s)). While he was here we had long talks about demonology and its intersection with wild nature, trying to come to some kind of understanding of the God Satan and its relation to magic and my scripture. We discussed my scripture and my general method, and he began a newfound interest in the folk magic of his own Swedish homeland. He went back to Sweden and after numerous social adventures and turns of fate dug deeply to discover the details of the folk magic of his homeland. Our projects and studies have been intertwined ever since, and he discovered that the word for folk magic (/witchcraft) in Swedish lore is "trolldom", and that trolls are another name for magic user!! The whole folkloric beast-complex in part centers on the fact that these are elder wild folks who know something of magic. For a person to call themselves a troll is to effectively proclaim their occultism. This is a correlate to 'witch' in multiplex fashion.
Doing a search online (primarily on YT) i reminded myself that the original usage for the term 'troll' and 'trolling' relate to VERBS not nouns, and that it pertains to fishing: casting out baiting expressions and seeking indisciplined responses with the hopes of manipulating and hoaxing (landing) a 'Big One'. Everything after this has been a castigation (at times quite amusing!) of monsters on the order of vampires or werewolves or demons (see my "Manifesto Satanika" for more on the development of these in modern religious history, from witches to satanists, then on to vampires, werewolves and demons, epitomizing in what i predicted in the form of Lovecraftian monsters and the Cult).
When i decided to take the name Troll for YT i wondered what i might want to do about the S.I.N., especially since its owner and several of those who were part of it were also heavily involved in YT, and there was such an emphasis on visuals within the tinychat people had remarked about being popular therein. I decided that its emphasis was such, and the style of interaction (contenteous, focussed on by some as 'crushing haters' and 'exterminating bullshit') was such, that this YT pseudonym was far better than 'nocTifer' (which a number now began to misidentify as 'noctifier', probably due to the small font on the site). I knew that this would be controversial, but given the trust i had in Beast in particular, and in Zach, i choose S.I.N. (1.0) to become the origin and proving grounds to make that change for my Satanism, and to make it permanently. It was the best decision i ever made.
This was not without forethought, and not without a long history of socially-transformative engagements i sought out in pursuit of martyrdom as i have understood it (not death seeking, but virtuous witness of truth from a position of condemnation to tyrannical power). I decided to try it out regardless of the consequences, and begin to enter into chat and the forums as i was moved by compassion, defending love and comradery, society and bonding friendships.
I saw the attention being paid to cynical and biting Satanists who spoke in gaming terms of 'pwning', and who made frequent mention of trolls. I tried to reflect a pure and perfect complement to it, emphasizing another pole in what i think of as a neo-tantric apex, and proceeded to argue in favour of tolerance, criticizing manipulators and bullies (even real trollers!).
Generally i made little effort to conceal my identity, though i occasionally distracted away from my person, location, or background with fiction. I wanted, instead, the focus to be the topics of our conversations, and i said little also about my witnessing interests, the background of trolls i'd discovered, or the Great Martyrdom Cult of which i think we are all part, and whose little eddy in a Satanic sandbox i was part of creating.
At first i was accused by one or more of its moderators of nefarious and false motivations, behaviours, as i had expected might occur, and this brought with it the deletion of my account more than once in S.I.N. (1.0). Yet my allies running the board quickly understood my heart and motivations, the style and substance of my Satanism, and how i was bringing it even to the very heart of Satanism, and eventually reinstated me, more than once.
Since then i've gone on to make a very good name for myself, my title, for Demonic Satanism in the commentary and publishing of The Gospel of Satan and continued service to Satanists and Satan, extending en toto some 17 years and developing into a personal relationship with the Devil himself.
I'm very happy to have returned to S.I.N. (2.0), resumed my Troll account here, and look forward to establishing new friendships as well as to rekindle old ones in a fresh, and more friendly, environment.
Assalam alaykum and BLVD!,
Troll the Unvanquished
https://www.facebook.com/DevilPact
https://www.facebook.com/Tr0llT0welhead
https://www.gospelofsatan.com
https://www.satanservice.org/wiki/Troll_Towelhead
