My experience thus far.... from Vold3mortia's blog

From a thinkers & writers perspective

Since people here seem to post their experiences and thoughts I thought it is about time I started posting mine too.

I was indoctrinated to be religious for most of my life. Unlike others I already used to start thinking with my logical perspective. Why things should be as they dictated and so on. Up until the moment was about seven years of age I never had a care in the world except seeking to do what was right and trying to reason out things and of course doing my best to please my family.

My biggest pitfall came at around the age of seven when I lost someone. He was the last person I thought I would loose, I prayed to 'God' desperately to bring him back to me, as my family told me it was the only thing I could do....well I was wrong. I concluded that if God really cared, the God they preached to me about then he would have never allowed it.

I was torn and tormented bound by a promise I had made to him before his death that I intended ( and still do) to maintain. But I didn't know evil marked, I was so enveloped in my own misery my key point was solely - survival. How it mattered was of little importance to me.

I met someone a few years later, someone who was at my father's funeral, someone who knew what I had been through, someone who knew my mother from an early age, someone who bought my families trust and loyalty, someone who would change life's meaning and someone who destroyed me in most ways I thought were impossible - Ironically enough, he was supposed to be a man of God, however weakened by his own obsessions.

I was ten. I didn't know much about life, nor the world, my family kept me innocent, pure and uncorrupted. I had to go to secondary school and go to PSD classes to actually understand 'something' of what was really going on.

I became a rebel. I tormented anyone who dared to oppose me, I stood up to my bullies. If I got slapped, I wouldn't make a whole scene of it I would just accept it and move on. It urged my bullies to go on but they never had the essence to really break me.

Whilst I was tormented and living in my dark and twisted little world, I even laughed at my friends because they were viewed as pathetic in my eyes. Pathetic because of their innocence.

However, I did have a very close friend. She never pressed me for what was going on with me, her simple friendly gestures just grounded me. They gave me a reason to not be completely corrupted and devoured by the darker side of me.

Now one would ask me. Why didn't you talk ask for help? He was  a man of God. He knew what he was doing because he never left enough bodily proof of what he did to me, he never allowed himself to do that mistake. My family looked at him as though he was almost their savior and there was little I could do, especially because he sad if I talked he would take everything I ever loved. My mother being one of them. He also worked within the higher ranks of the Church the Church was regarded almost higher than law back then. Fear when dominant can lead you to conceal anything -so long as it allows you to protect those who you love and care for.

When I was thirteen the frustration, tension, emotional and psychological chaos began getting at me. My religious faith went down to zero. I challenged anyone who dared to prove me otherwise. I met a fair few decent people but it never inspired me enough to radically change. Darkness got a hold of itself and I began actually practicing it, looking for it's deeper meaning and indulging in things barely any teenager should ever do.

Me and a few friends decided to play the Ouija board and I laughed all the way telling them it was amusing how imagination could evoke such interesting things thus turning them into reality. Nah. That was not what I was looking for, but it opened my mind to start searching and likewise I did.

But whilst I was searching, the key came to me. Someone handed me Anton Szanzor LaVey's Satanic Bible and I knew it would change me in more than one way.

But I was still interested in the spiritualistic aspects of it so I investigated deeper into occultism.

By the time I was fifteen I was so dark, tormented and depressed I barely cared for my own existence any longer. I just did what I had to, to survive and I did what I could to keep my promise.

Obviously I built my own standards and belief, doubted in almost everything and didn't care much for anything or anyone. I had had more than enough by then.

Luckily I never resorted to the use of drugs. But I did get drunk a few times just to get rid of some memories that were haunting me.

I had migraines almost all the time, people thought I was making it up no one made an effort to understand me, so instead of opening up and trying to find a solution I literally closed down.

From the moment I was sixteen up until I was seventeen I met someone who inspired me enough to divert my route of choice. I tried, I did it to the best of my abilities. I became Christian again, I read the bible, prayed and was pretty much ok with what was going on even though judgment from my family did not help me much.

I was definitely much happier, people who knew me asked me what the hell happened to me, because the spark of radiance, love and joy was there. They didn't see the darker side of me that they were so accustomed to.

I stripped away all objects related to occultism , evil and Satanism I chose God iin my life, I even baptized myself in his name to confirm it and I lived his word to the best, attended charismatic services, helped and prayed with others...

But clearly there was something that wasn't balanced. There was something that wanted to remind me who I was what I REALLY was, and that I actually belonged to darkness.

The experience as horrific as much as it was enlightening, up unto this day after consulting with experts AND researching non stop I'm not fully sure what it was, no was I alone.I've witnesses to this story but that is up to you to believe not for me to indoctrinate you about it. I know it changed, me once again. I began doubting in everything I was taught, my rebel nature began to kick in again, and I was returning back to the person I originally was.

Now because I unluckily have what we all 'repressed memory' I have only flashes of what actually occurred to me. What I concluded was that I was all mind generated that it was a mental breakdown because of the confusion going n my mind between choosing the path of darkness or the path of light. Clearly God wasn't there in all the suffering and pain I had to endue and inflict on others unintentionally. I'm not proud of it, but I'm glad to say that I rose up from my own ashes, from the dust I myself created and resurfaced as something stronger, something more real, with a story to share and with a lesson to teach.

Today I can say I'm free. I'm an atheist that built her own philosophy and belief based on knowledge and past experience.

I favor logic and knowledge over spirituality and useless trifling methods to lead oneself into possible insanity. I thrive for knowledge learn and exchange experiences with others.

Last and foremost -I believe in myself and what I allowed myself to be.

Vampira