It's common knowledge in the lab that I'm a Satanist, and it turns out that the colleague in question somehow managed to imprint a Baphomet pattern into the underside of the cheese.

Sounds like the beginning of a song. I once knew a girl name Brie. Short for Gabriel.
A love affair with cheese.
You know you've made the cutting of the curd when you've tried your hand at making your own. I never got past homemade cottage cheese though.
I'm sure you and Brie have many years to look forward to.