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Shawn Oct 21 '15

Two guys are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't appear to be breathing.

His buddy takes out his cell phone and immediately calls 911. Gasping, he says to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

"Take it easy and calm down," the operator says in a calm voice. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?" 

Shawn Oct 21 '15

One day two boys were walking through the woods when the boys come upon some rabbit droppings.

"Whats that?" says the first boy.

"There smart pills." says the second boy, "If you eat them you become smarter."

So the first boy picks one up and eats it. Then quickly spits it back out and yells "IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!"

"See your getting smarter already." replied the second boy.

Kat Chapter Head
Kat Oct 22 '15

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and

have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" oreven "A Bit Cross."The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when teasupplies nearly ran out.Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on thefront line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

Berardo Rodriguez Member
Berardo Rodriguez Oct 28 '15
A priest was standing up outside  in a corner of his building,  he had a donkey  beside him, he was raising money for his congregation.  He said: " Any person that makes this donkey lough and cry ,  I  will pay him/her $1000.00,  but if the donkey doesn't lough  or cry, that person will pay me $2000.00. A wise person walked in , and  said something to the donkey,  and the donkey did lough, then he went behind the  wall with the donkey, and the donkey came out crying. The priest had to pay, but he asked the person : What  did you  do?" . The  person answered : " I told the donkey that my dick was longer than its. It did lough . Then I took  it behind the wall and showed  it to it, and it cried ALOUD ". 
ShadowLover Member
ShadowLover Oct 29 '15
Why did the pervert cross the road?

He still had his dick in the chicken...
G.B. Nov 7 '15
i don´t know where i picked this one up, but here goes:

a psycho serial killer is dragging a young girl into the deep dark forest, she is crying and screaming "I´M SO SCARED!!!!! I`M SO SCARED!!!!"
the serial killer says to her: "you think you have problems? i have to walk out of here all alone afterwards".
G.B. Nov 9 '15
a man is standing in line at the supermarket counter, when a mother and her little son gets in line behind him. suddenly her son starts kicking him repeatedly in the heels. he says "hey stop it, what going on?", the kid just laughs and gives him a few more kicks, the mother sees it but doesn´t seem to care.
he gets annoyed and says to the mother: "could you please teach your kid some manners????"
the mother replies: "no, he is being raised anti-authoritarian"
the man, suddenly smiling, says: "hey, thats awesome..."
he grabs a bottle of orange juice from the conveyor belt, opens it and throws the content into the mothers face and says to her: "...i also was raised anti-authoritarian!!!"

Rich6Belial6Wilkinson6 Member
Shawn Nov 13 '15
People who don't understand that christian bashing is a mediocre and socially easy joke for the uncreative and weak minded. Y'know, like all the "Free Willy" dick jokes back in the day. It's about on the same level.
ShadowLover Member
ShadowLover Nov 13 '15
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil...
disgustipated Nov 19 '15
What’s the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until he’s at least 13.
The Forum post is edited by disgustipated Nov 19 '15
disgustipated Nov 19 '15
What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

I can't marmalade my cock up your ass.
The Forum post is edited by disgustipated Nov 19 '15
Carreau Nov 21 '15
A baby seal walks into a club.........
G.B. Dec 29 '15
why should people feel sorry for atheists?
because there is noone that they can have a discussion with when they are receiving a blowjob.
MisterOwl Dec 31 '15

This one isn't deep or intelligent or even witty. It's just a silly sex joke I loved from my childhood that still makes me chuckle sometimes.

So basically it goes something like this:

This white dude picks up this hooker. They go into an alleyway to do the deed. Just as they are really getting going, something happens; the hooker begins to transform into a demon. Her eyes glow yellow and big demon horns shoot out of her head. The dude pulls out, pulls up his pants and runs off screaming.

A few hours later, a black dude picks up the same hooker. They go into the same alleyway and the same thing happens. Glowing yellow eyes; horns shoot out of her head. The guy is all, "Fuck this shit!" and runs off, pulling his pants up as he flees.

A while later, a Mexican dude picks up the same hooker. They go into the same alleyway and the same thing happens. And as the horns shoot out of the hooker's head, the Mexican dude exclaims, "Orale, handlebars!"

Berardo Rodriguez Member
Berardo Rodriguez May 14 '16
A demon was coming out of the gates of the Abbys , suddenly the Devil meat him and questioned him by saying: " Where the hell do you think you are going? ".

The demon replied with happiness " I'm going straight to heaven to eat some forbidden fruits " . 

With a very suspicious face the Devil asked him a second question : " Why do you think like that my son?".

The demon answered : " well,  hell is cooling down,  the religious leaders of the world are preaching and practicing satanic philosophy ,  now a days all sinners go to heaven, and heaven wihtin itself is becoming worst and hotter than hell."

The Devil with a cunning smile said :" I see,  I see,  heaven was my first home after all, hahaha. ..."

ShadowLover Member
ShadowLover Jun 12 '16
Saw this on Facebook. Wrong on so many levels... But really floated my goat!

MoxNix9 Sep 11 '16
A little Catholic boy is sitting outside on the steps of his church. He's visibly upset, crying with his head down. A man comes out of the church, notices the boy, and approaches him saying "what's wrong son"? The boy replies "my dog was run over by a car". The man says "oh I am so sorry to hear that, but everything will be okay, Why don't you go inside and see Father O'Malley"? The boy replies "Oh no, I am so upset, I can't even think about sex right now".
The Satanist
The Satanist Oct 6 '16
Three Satanic Witches talking about helping a friend get rid of a Unwanted partner.

Less Experienced Satanic witch says, "I going to draw 10ft inverted pentagram, and use candles, herbs, five stones, and much more!"

Experienced Satanic Witch says, "I will use a altar, and summon a demon, and burn herbs!"

Very Experienced Satanic Witch says, "Using all those things is a waste of time, best solution, is to tell him to FUCK OFF!"

Sturmgeist88 Oct 8 '16
My favorite sex move is the sandy hook

I shoot 20 kids inside of you.
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