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CPTSD, emotional flashbacks, and good house keeping from StrangeEden's blog

This afternoon upon returning from a shopping trip we were assailed by the strong odder of one of the cats yet again pissing on the rug by the front door. I said "oof that's some serious stank!" and he said "What stink?"...

Normally this sort of thing would go back and forth like some annoying 10 year old's joke that ends with him walking away and me being solely responsible for the cleaning of the mess. NO MAN! Not this fucking time!

As soon as he said those words I was slammed hard in the face by every single time any man in my life played that stupid game with me, or outright ignored a mess claiming to "like it that way"... What I wanted to say to him was "then you pick that rug up and rub your whole god damned face real fucking good with it" but instead I yelled "STOP IT!!! IT'S NOT FUNNY TO PLAY STUPID!!"

He turned around, picked up the rug, and started the washer while I scrubbed the spot and checked for others.

So many of the men in my life have been perfectly fine with living in filth when they had no one to clean up after them... Since I was 15 years old hooking up with the chubby kid on New street all these little boys and men have been hoarders of filth who say things like "I know where everything is" "I feel liberated" "it'll just get dirty again anyway"...

I wasn't raised like that. My grandfather and grandmother always kept their homes tidy and maintained, and my mother MADE SURE I knew how to keep a home clean. I don't understand why I end up with such gross men. It feels like my whole life I've been cleaning up after someone else's spoiled little faggot.

Wait wait! that wasn't me using "faggot" as a general slur. I literally mean closeted gay/bisexual men, who abuse me for my displays of strength and Independence while they look to me as a mommy figure who takes care of the wittle baby's needs...

I ain't tryin' a do that shit anymore. You would think that a person "on the left hand path" as long as I have been wouldn't fall for that kinda shit in the first place, but I did and I might again. Why? Because I am used to it. I don't judge people by their flaws, what they can't do, what they've been through, or how they cope (or not) with their issues. I'm not going to cut a person loose because they have personal problems and want to unload their emotional burden on me. So yeah. That is my fault! I'm learning to be more judgemental trust me on that!

I ain't sure where I'm going with this but I'm sick of cleaning up after scumbags who call me worthless but can't do shit by themselves. I can not be devalued, belittled, berated, or abused more than I already have. There is in fact no lower point in the abyss, than where I have just past and I ain't going back there! The scars this journey have left are thick, but every one is a victory of Will over sorrow and self pity.

I might have my fucked up moments where I'm crying like Trisha Paytas on the kitchen floor, but at least I know myself well enough to admit that I am fucked up.

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By StrangeEden
Added Jun 28

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