So Tired of Lying and Hiding. from satanic_survivalist's blog

Just venting.


I am so tired of lying to everyone about who I truly am. It is draining. Earlier this year, I dyed my hair black and got an office job. I went from San Francisco street punk to a respectable member of the community almost overnight. It is shocking! 


Every single day, I put on my prissy little outfits, catch the train, and grab something caffeinated on my way to the office. Everyone thinks I am such a nice girl. It disgusts me! They have no idea who I really am or what I stand for. I am so tired of being fake to people all the time. I am a dark, creative, unorthodox, eccentric devil worshipper with destructive tendencies. They think I am a shy, sweet, gentle kitten.


Ultimately, my desire is to find a platonic soulmate, with whom I can share all these darker aspects of myself, not just my socially acceptable facade. Someone I do not need to hide my true self from. No more pretending. I am sick of pretending. I just want to be myself with someone.


FYI, I am not online here very often. The best way to contact me is [email protected] Let's be friends.


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Shawn
Oct 18 '15
I knew you'd see how awesome I am! :)
satanic_survivalist
Oct 19 '15
@Padowan: You're right-people love placing others in boxes just so they can make sense of them. Does this matter? No, I have come to accept it as their way of coping. It doesn't even bother me that they do this. I just miss not having to be fake all the time. I used to have a best friend with whom I shared everything, who knew the truth about me. When I had our friendship, I wanted for nothing. Ever since this person passed, being fake all the time has made me feel a bit lonely and tired. It is a constant reminder of what used to be.@Padowan: You're right-people love placing others in boxes just so they can make sense of them. Does this matter? No, I have come to accept it as their way of coping. It doesn't even bother me that th...See more
satanic_survivalist
Oct 19 '15
@ApprenticeOfSatan and ShadowLover: I think you both understand exactly how I feel and what I am talking about! I find it so irritating that people think I am cute and write off whatever abnormalities I exhibit as part of my charm.
satanic_survivalist
Oct 19 '15
@itrade: Thank you very much for your support and encouraging words. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and openly display my beliefs. I made the realization some time ago that if I were to become successful, I would have to make some sacrifices-my appearance and my "go screw yourself" attitude. I had to train myself to adapt to the professional world and make myself appear to be the person who was right for job. I know who I am and I do not need to answer to anyone. I just never realized that the cost of being successful could feel so isolating.@itrade: Thank you very much for your support and encouraging words. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and openly display my beliefs. I made the realization some time ago that if I were to become s...See more
Padowan
Oct 19 '15
I share your experience. The comparison of with and without intimacy is heart breaking. But it sounds like you are suffering two battles. You are not happy with yourself for settling; settling for less than the life you really want. You might feel sharing that intimate secret of a hidden life will soften the pain. It won't. You still have to face yourself. Acceptance from others will never stifle your subconscious. It will fight back with sorrow, disappointment, angst, and depression. Besides hiding and lying what else are your options? There's always more than two.I share your experience. The comparison of with and without intimacy is heart breaking. But it sounds like you are suffering two battles. You are not happy with yourself for settling; settling for les...See more
Shawn
Oct 19 '15
@Paddy; Grawwwr!
MrJavel
Oct 21 '15
Yo let's be friends sure, fuck normal people they're boring as fuck haha
Luciferi Baphomet
Oct 24 '15
That's how I feel. When my husband and I go to the doctors or other places together we say to we are Pagans because if we say that we are Satanists it won't end well. It is enough that I have the Sigil of Baphomet tattoo on me.
MrJavel
Oct 24 '15
Your doctor asks you for your religion? That's fucked up
Luciferi Baphomet
Oct 26 '15
They get curious about the tattoo.
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By satanic_survivalist
Added Oct 17 '15

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