EpicFail's blog

Eyes of forest upon eyes of midnight   

our souls become singular and flowing   

like a soft and meandering current 

filling one and then the other   

and then the other again, 

until we are each the same stream 

  

Fingertips made of satin stroking skin 

made of silk stretched over stone   

my body feels heavy and hot, 

desire stoked into fire when we speak   

ciphers made of love and of dreams   

sculpted around our longing.   

  

Bottom lips escape into tight spaces   

between teeth and tongues dart out   

of their own accord to wet lips   

yearning to taste the first kiss that 

will bring with it the tide of satiety, 

but first of taste and touch. 

  

Sharply inhaling breaths forged solely 

from adoration reserved for lust, 

from a white hot need burning in my chest 

clumsy, shaky fingers grip my own skin   

while my tongue wets lips gone dry   

at the sight of your wanting 

  

The first long exhale, a sigh from your lips   

that signals your climb towards the peak   

has settled in and my fingers now belong   

to the pitch of your stuttered breathing   

and to the symphony of your wicked 

and delicious suffering. 

  

And when you come apart and I say your name, 

I splinter into a million tiny stars 

my soul soaring closer and closer   

to my sun until they begin to shimmer   

and float lazily back to my body 

where they settle in new configurations

My existence is void. Vacant whims sometimes distract me from the truth. But the ubiquitous emptiness will always prevail. I think if I would let myself see me as I am, I would die. 
This black hole that will ultimately end my life, is ravenous to be whole but it cannot due to it's own nature. it feeds off me.  draining my ability to see the dwindling meaning of right and wrong. Soon I will be consumed, melting into a part of the greater picture.. empty, alone, and no longer of substance. Then nothing, nothing at all. No pain, no need to feel ugly, no need for anything at all.



I should have mixed the pain(t) 

before I raised my brush, 

a devil hatched a saint 

then stroked the white with blush. 

The redness of these eyes 

once radiant and lush 

would palpitate with cries 

in wounds I couldn't hush. 


I should have kept my secrets 

or mixed the reds with white 

I might have cleansed my spirit 

but grey was stealing light, 

instead I played with blues 

and envy's greenish hues 

it's magic I would bleed; 

another purple bruise. 


Soon I had a canvas 

that was black before my eyes 

when all the rainbow colors 

you might find to mesmerize 

had faded with the beauty 

and the portrait of my peace 

I lost myself in pain(ting) 

as I wept a masterpiece. 


The colors of the hearts 

that the world considers bland, 

I should have mixed the colors 

so beautiful and grand 

instead I bled acrylic 

on easel's, dead and damned 

then smeared the dripping pain(t) 

with the tears and years that ran.

When I think about love, I think of Hollywood drama for the most part.  People rant about it everyday without even thinking.  What is Love and where does the idea come from?


It seems people attach emotions to everything. The need to reproduce is a big one.  People keep making new people.  The need to survive as a species creates physiological symptoms, among them are human sentiments.


Every emotion is based on some sort of physical need. For every action there is a reaction. Every desire, concern, or despair are manifestations of physical reactivity.


thoughts?

The human mind seems nearly incapable of accepting that one day we will return to oblivion. Perhaps it's that survival instinct we all have-- that natural drive to cling to life even when we know death is imminent.

Maybe most of us can't grasp the probable reality that this is all there is. Certainly there must be some kind of meaning.. most people grow up, reproduce have mundane jobs and expire. 

life in and of itself is void of meaning.  Human existence in its entirety has no core significance. So yes, this is it.

However, meaning can be created.  One must focus on him or herself. Finding their own little piece of secular paradise.  

Fuck the idea of an uncertain at best afterlife. No speculation on the reality of here and now is necessary. we need to focus every moment possible on things that are significant to us-- make the most of each minute. We have choices. The three obvious ones are, pretend this life is only a bridge and put your faith in a likely imaginary entity, or live a life void of meaning ..a life of simply existing or make the most of it and enjoy.

End of rant
Why do cats purr? 


Most of us assume that cats purr because they are content.  It seems like a logical explanation, after all we hear them purr when their mothers nurse them or when they are being social with humans.


But on closer observation, domestic cats(purring is not completely unique to domestic cats. There are a few other members of the Felidae species that purr.)  seem to purr in stressful situations like going to the vet or when they are in pain. Some research suggests that purring can be a healing mechanism.

what makes the "purr" more distinctive than other cat sounds, such as the meow, is that is produced with the entire respiratory cycle.(Inhaling and exhaling.) The meow is limited to the expiration of breath. 

It seems likely that the purr comes from the laryngeal muscles and probably involuntary. 


I really don't like people in general and try to avoid them as much as possible. so of course I have severe social deficits.  

I avoid looking people in the eye, I say weird and inappropriate things. And I am completely unable to put other people before myself


but still have no idea why anyone would be offended because I told him he reminded me of a leprechaun? 


A dim red light glowed softly, gently, as not to disturb the perfect darkness. An ancient silence whispered in my ear, “nihil hic vivit, neque etiam te….”
As if painted on the tail of a lost memory, the words came from within. “Nothing lives here, not even you.”

 

   I had no recollection of being elsewhere, but a faint murmur, echoed songs from another world. A dense haze blanketed the bridges connecting this realm with others.  A million miles of blackness stretched from far below me to infinity. It seemed I looked down from space at a world long forgotten, and saw a much younger me. She returned my gaze, pleading urgently for something I couldn’t recall. It occurred to me as she stared at me with hopeful eyes that she hadn’t a clue that she was wishing upon a dead star.  

A steady “thump-thump” drummed through the atmosphere. That rhythm lived here in the shadows, sleeping with its red night light. A cozy warmth enveloped me.  I thought that perhaps I might just stay here forever, in blissful nothingness.

 

An unwelcomed light appeared, making its way through the fog, relentlessly pushing itself out of the dark.  From the empty came swarms of insects, beetles perhaps.  Magnetically drawn to the fluorescent beam, the insects terminated themselves.  One by one, obliterated like fallen soldiers on enemy turf.

 

 

The light forced its way through the empty until there was only brightness.  I floated on gentle waves of sparkling, blue water.  A slight scent of salt tinged the mild breeze.  For just a moment, things were perfect.

And just before I was about to slip into dumb complacency, a glistening wall of water appeared. A Trojan horse barreled towards me at a super-sonic speed. Death wrapped in a sparkling box, with white ribbon, engulfed me. It felt like I was tumbling around in a washing machine that I couldn’t turn off.  Lost in the infinity of an abyss, the dwindling remains of my conscience short circuited.

 

            A faint “thump-thump,” rolled through a familiar void.  It appeared a living entity, who came from within me and outside me; protected me perhaps. Steadily the drumming began to crescendo. No longer could I distinguish myself as a separate being.  The tempo remained steady, while a pressure grew around me, and became progressively more intense.  The red light dwindled and merged with a new white light.


The piercing rays glowed more intensely as I made my way through the cramped tunnel. People cooed at me and made funny faces at me. I let loose a reptilian cry. Eventually I escaped into daydreams.

  A still emptiness held me, begging my attention.  And from within, a film began-    a collage of memories.  “Make it stop,” I cried into the deaf ear of infinity. 

 

Remembering my childhood, the awkward tensions of early adulthood, and finally sometime near the present. I felt violated.

 

Through a veil of condensation, an inner reflection escaped into the night.   Everything was so hazy. 

 

Nightfall lurked nearby.  Although cloaked with trees and pine needles, a surreal realm of familiarity merged with an uncertain forever.  Not so far away, an outline twisted and turned into the present.  Someone was drowning in a small body of water that was otherwise stagnant.

 

In the murky night, I saw her submerge into the water. Darkness swallowed her and she was gone.  The sobering recollection pushed its way forward; my dear little sister.


Again, I was consumed to vacancy… loneliness concealed in a dense fog. 
Sadness resonated from the mist--- a wailing wall of grief, pain and isolation

A dark figure emerged. It appeared feminine, clad in long flowing black robes and a hood that hid its face. 


 The figure spoke. Its voice confirmed that it was undeniably female.

"I've been waiting for you." She said, in a soft almost melodic voice. 
I paused, baffled.
Only a soft, “why is that?” escaped my lips.

“I've come to collect you."


An anvil of dread dropped on me.


"come. Walk with me.”

The apparition woman remained calm. “There is only one way out,” she whispered.

She motioned me to follow her into the fog.


I followed her down a windy stairwell that never seemed to end. The fog seemed to be getting even thicker. Sorrow lived here.


After decades of descending steps, we finally reached the bottom. There was nothing there--- just a door. From it, darkness tinged with a reddish glow, seeped through its cracks.

Perspiration dripped down my face. I wanted to run but there was nowhere to run. I wanted to get out of there.

I forced myself to ask, “Where does this door go?” 

“I think you know the answer to that question,” she said. 

The concept of hell had always fascinated me, although I didn’t really believe it to be real.  I assumed that the idea of a “nether world,” was a scare tactic used to hinder people from doing pleasant things.

 

I pinched myself, half-believing I’d wake up. A foul taste filled my mouth and for a moment, I thought I might vomit. 

A dull state of awareness found me in an overflowing bathtub.  Unable to move, I felt a beast known as panic pounce on my submerged head.  Little waves of thought crashed undistinguishably.  I thought to myself, “this is what it’s like. This is what it feels like to die.  Fading screams, begging me to fight for survival reverberated through semi-consciousness.

             

            Without warning, my last recollections waltzed in.  The bottle of sedatives the running bath water.  I planned this. 

 

         The bathroom fogged from the bath’s evaporation. It blurred into misty grey. Breathing proved an impossible task. My survival instincts dulled.

 

       The condensation grew thicker.  And from it, the lady in black emerged.  She took my hand in hers, almost comforting me. A dim red light glowed through the crack in the bathroom door that was no longer the bathroom door. 

 

      I turned to take one last glimpse of my lifeless body. The over flowing water sparkled deceptively. Warm water splashed in my exhausted lungs.

I turned back to the woman in black.

“Come it is time,” she said.
  and I followed her into the immense nothingness.

 

so.. There was never any doubt for me that the disney films that most of you enjoyed as kids are pure evil. I could never tolerate them.  animated characters bursting out in song every five minutes, annoy(ed) me with their subliminal messages.. damn them to hell!


only thing I have in common with bible thumpers is that I 100 percent agree that these films are heinous.(but for very different reasons.)  Take beauty and the beast for example.  The beast supposedly portrays the anti-christ. Xians take a literal approach. The world's most well known antagonist is called the "beast" in the final chapter of the world's most notorious book of hatred.  

walt disney likely meant no correlation between his film and the "good book." I do wonder sometimes if Disney himself was affiliated with something real and truly nefarious.  

Beauty kinda symbolizes the following of Christ.  When the alleged apocalypse happens (hypothetically speaking of course,) the epic conflict between team jesus and team lucifer will occur. Of course in both the bible and the film, beauty prevails. sigh I hate happy endings.. and I especially hate it when they burst into sappy disney style tunes or boring hymns. 


so anyone here team jesus? team lucifer? mostly don't give a fuck.. but interesting allegory

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