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EpicFail TITS

A dim red light glowed softly, gently, as not to disturb the perfect darkness. An ancient silence whispered in my ear, “nihil hic vivit, neque etiam te….”
As if painted on the tail of a lost memory, the words came from within. “Nothing lives here, not even you.”


   I had no recollection of being elsewhere, but a faint murmur, echoed songs from another world. A dense haze blanketed the bridges connecting this realm with others.  A million miles of blackness stretched from far below me to infinity. It seemed I looked down from space at a world long forgotten, and saw a much younger me. She returned my gaze, pleading urgently for something I couldn’t recall. It occurred to me as she stared at me with hopeful eyes that she hadn’t a clue that she was wishing upon a dead star.  

A steady “thump-thump” drummed through the atmosphere. That rhythm lived here in the shadows, sleeping with its red night light. A cozy warmth enveloped me.  I thought that perhaps I might just stay here forever, in blissful nothingness.


An unwelcomed light appeared, making its way through the fog, relentlessly pushing itself out of the dark.  From the empty came swarms of insects, beetles perhaps.  Magnetically drawn to the fluorescent beam, the insects terminated themselves.  One by one, obliterated like fallen soldiers on enemy turf.



The light forced its way through the empty until there was only brightness.  I floated on gentle waves of sparkling, blue water.  A slight scent of salt tinged the mild breeze.  For just a moment, things were perfect.

And just before I was about to slip into dumb complacency, a glistening wall of water appeared. A Trojan horse barreled towards me at a super-sonic speed. Death wrapped in a sparkling box, with white ribbon, engulfed me. It felt like I was tumbling around in a washing machine that I couldn’t turn off.  Lost in the infinity of an abyss, the dwindling remains of my conscience short circuited.


            A faint “thump-thump,” rolled through a familiar void.  It appeared a living entity, who came from within me and outside me; protected me perhaps. Steadily the drumming began to crescendo. No longer could I distinguish myself as a separate being.  The tempo remained steady, while a pressure grew around me, and became progressively more intense.  The red light dwindled and merged with a new white light.

The piercing rays glowed more intensely as I made my way through the cramped tunnel. People cooed at me and made funny faces at me. I let loose a reptilian cry. Eventually I escaped into daydreams.

  A still emptiness held me, begging my attention.  And from within, a film began-    a collage of memories.  “Make it stop,” I cried into the deaf ear of infinity. 


Remembering my childhood, the awkward tensions of early adulthood, and finally sometime near the present. I felt violated.


Through a veil of condensation, an inner reflection escaped into the night.   Everything was so hazy. 


Nightfall lurked nearby.  Although cloaked with trees and pine needles, a surreal realm of familiarity merged with an uncertain forever.  Not so far away, an outline twisted and turned into the present.  Someone was drowning in a small body of water that was otherwise stagnant.


In the murky night, I saw her submerge into the water. Darkness swallowed her and she was gone.  The sobering recollection pushed its way forward; my dear little sister.

Again, I was consumed to vacancy… loneliness concealed in a dense fog. 
Sadness resonated from the mist--- a wailing wall of grief, pain and isolation

A dark figure emerged. It appeared feminine, clad in long flowing black robes and a hood that hid its face. 

 The figure spoke. Its voice confirmed that it was undeniably female.

"I've been waiting for you." She said, in a soft almost melodic voice. 
I paused, baffled.
Only a soft, “why is that?” escaped my lips.

“I've come to collect you."

An anvil of dread dropped on me.

"come. Walk with me.”

The apparition woman remained calm. “There is only one way out,” she whispered.

She motioned me to follow her into the fog.

I followed her down a windy stairwell that never seemed to end. The fog seemed to be getting even thicker. Sorrow lived here.

After decades of descending steps, we finally reached the bottom. There was nothing there--- just a door. From it, darkness tinged with a reddish glow, seeped through its cracks.

Perspiration dripped down my face. I wanted to run but there was nowhere to run. I wanted to get out of there.

I forced myself to ask, “Where does this door go?” 

“I think you know the answer to that question,” she said. 

The concept of hell had always fascinated me, although I didn’t really believe it to be real.  I assumed that the idea of a “nether world,” was a scare tactic used to hinder people from doing pleasant things.


I pinched myself, half-believing I’d wake up. A foul taste filled my mouth and for a moment, I thought I might vomit. 

A dull state of awareness found me in an overflowing bathtub.  Unable to move, I felt a beast known as panic pounce on my submerged head.  Little waves of thought crashed undistinguishably.  I thought to myself, “this is what it’s like. This is what it feels like to die.  Fading screams, begging me to fight for survival reverberated through semi-consciousness.


            Without warning, my last recollections waltzed in.  The bottle of sedatives the running bath water.  I planned this. 


         The bathroom fogged from the bath’s evaporation. It blurred into misty grey. Breathing proved an impossible task. My survival instincts dulled.


       The condensation grew thicker.  And from it, the lady in black emerged.  She took my hand in hers, almost comforting me. A dim red light glowed through the crack in the bathroom door that was no longer the bathroom door. 


      I turned to take one last glimpse of my lifeless body. The over flowing water sparkled deceptively. Warm water splashed in my exhausted lungs.

I turned back to the woman in black.

“Come it is time,” she said.
  and I followed her into the immense nothingness.



The Colossus coughs clouds of toxic purple dust on it's grovelling subjects. A mother takes off her veil and puts it over her son’s head, hoping to protect his eyes and lungs from the noxious clouds enveloping them. They both cough and choke violently, pain exploding in their lungs. The dust clogs their airways and they are silenced. They suffocate, but it is easy to slip into death once they stop struggling. The mother dies first, on top of her son. He dies second, comforted by the pressure of his dead mother's bosom pressing into his back. The hundreds who cannot escape the cloud struggle to breathe as the boy and her son did. They soon fall to the ground dead. The Colossus coughs again. The sound rattles tens of thousands of broken souls gathered in the downtown core of Toronto to worship him. This crowd is comparable in size to those that gather for rock festivals in Brazil, but there is no cheerful, carnival atmosphere. Not a single smile or beach towel adorn any of the tens of thousands of celebrants.

The Colossus's skin is white, composed of minerals that take the shape of spiky crystals. This “skin” looks like the fur of a polar bear who stuck its paw in an electrical socket. Hundreds of shimmering white stalactite formations rise from his surface. Between coughing purple sputum, the colossus laughs at the people scurrying in the ruined streets below. The laugh is the sound of continental plates grinding against each other. He hunches over slightly, puts his hands on his thighs and his chest expands and contracts at odd intervals, like a person doubled over with laughter, but isn’t laughter because that is something people do.

'We have to leave.' Jacob says, his words smothered by the geological sounds coming from the colossus. A half dozen people turn and stare at him, then turn their eyes and supplications back to the Colossus sitting on the skeletal throne of toppled skyscrapers, hoping that his coughing has stopped and along with it the smothering death.

Jacob's words are the first spoken in days among the crowd. People have been communicating through dead glances and silent body language for days. Jacob wonders if only he remembers life before the colossus. They were all free and alive before this white crystal freak invaded; they never had to guess at how to please beings that held the power of life and death over them. Some chose to, but none were forced to.

The Colossus gets off of his throne of toppled and crushed buildings. The monstrosity has heard Jacob's words and accompanying blasphemous thoughts. Jacob’s stomach turns to a lump of ice. The Colossus turns its gaze straight to him as soon as he speaks. It stands up straight and abruptly ceases its laughter.

The giant's black crystalline eyes, set in quarry sized pits, turn to Jacob. It stands for the first time in ten days. This breaks the concentration of the crowd; their routine has been altered in a way that brings to their collective mind the notion of eternal doom. The mass of non-speaking, almost motionless people have all condemned themselves to die standing. They would all waste away until after days their blood sugar drops to a point where they drop to the floor unconscious. Depending on what level of resources their bodies have stored, they will come in and out of consciousness for several days until passing into a coma from which they will never wake. Since they have resigned themselves to this fate already, they do not fear it.

Some celebrants drop their outstretched arms for the first time in hours. A torrent of debris stuck to the hindquarters of the Colossus falls hundreds of feet to the crowd of suffocating supplicants below. Dozens are crushed into a paste and a wave of chaos spreads through the crowd. They were the first to worship at the feet of the colossus and the first to die. When they got close enough they licked and massaged the gigantic feet of the thorny colossus. They imagined in their hopelessness born madness that their actions prevented further violence from the colossus. They believe that their unending staring, gesturing and gibbering at the colossus keep him docile and his blood thirst quenched.

The order is smashed among the survivors of the Colossal Holocaust because of the falling rubble, because of the demigods movement. They remember the first days of his Holocaust and flee with reckless, animalistic abandon knowing what is coming. People rush past Jacob, shoulders crunch into his chest and stomach, but he remains standing, looking up at the creature. It raises a city block sized foot and the screams that rise from the fleeing, doomed faithful break Jacob's heart.

Jacob broke their enthralled order his independent thought. He realizes it. He feels enlightened. He sees into the mind of every human being in the entire city. During their worship, they all thought the same, silent nothing. There was no experience grafted onto the senses. There was no constant interplay of memories and problems and the past and the future coursing through the veins of their cognition. There was only the present. There was only the terrible, inevitable present, threatening to destroy them.

A foot crashes down on top of dozens of people, crunching them into paste on the cracked road. Their organic remains are the grout that fills cracks in the road. Jacob doesn't move as a heavy stream of horrified, beleaguered faces rush past him, unaware of what they could have done to anger the giant. Jacob can't believe that he was the first person to question things or remember that life wasn't always this way. The Colossus bends down on one knee and flattens Jacob with a twenty-tonne hand.


My psychic abilities slowly started kicking in but I didn't realize how much they had kicked in over night. I had taken off the amulet off of my neck and immediately I could hear everyone's thoughts. I could her Abert having some conversation that something to do with the neighbors and Alvin was thinking of another shenanigan he could do for laughs. Levitate Albert's wand is something I haven't tried,he thought. But I quickly put the amulet back on before anyone would notice.

The amulet wasn't some flat piece of metal, it was just this chunk of silver and gold that I was telling you about except it now glowed. I kept the habit of keeping it under my shirt so that noone would notice. The light emanating from the stone didn't seem to pierce through the cloth of my shirt for some reason or another, but whatever.

It was around Wednesday afternoon that I had decided to take the necklace off to test myself, though it was against the advice of Albert, but I just couldn't help myself. The moment i sat the necklace on the lunch room table I had fought myself from falling on the ground but I ended up on the floor anyway. I could hear everyone's thoughts and it disabled me because of it.

I could her the director thinking about how concerned he was about his wife finding out about his mistress, my costar who played a surgeon thinking about his next heroin fix, and the list goes on. I had struggled to pull myself up to grab the necklace and the moment I did I regained my strength and was upon my feet and just tucking the hunk of silver and gold under my shirt when Frank, the one who plays the surgeon on the show, came waltzing into the break room.

"Hey Frank," I said.

"How's it going with your family, John," he said. "Good I hope."

"Oh absolutely, Alvin is growing like a weed and Lilith and I couldn't get more closer." I had gotten giddy when I said this, but then again every proud father and husband would. "Better get back to work," I continued "You know, before the director starts yelling at me."

No more than I shut the door behind me, Frank pulls out a baggy with a brown rock in it and takes out a spoon that he keeps for such occasions. Setting these onto the table he reaches into his pocket again to pull out a lighter and one of those rubber things that nurses use when they take blood from you, I have no Idea what they're called but you know what I mean. He sat there and shot up the heroin and enjoyed the rush he'd gotten from it.

The work week came and went and during my birthday party, everyone was leaving and the sun had started to set. We were all sitting on the couch in front of the television when a black crow came out of nowhere and dropped an envelope made of parchment. Apparently the letter had come from the Count Dracula University of Vampirism.

Lilith and Albert gasped and had the biggest smiles they I'd rarely, if ever seen. Being new to the true world of Vampirism I didn't feel confident in going to some university, I thought that maybe I needed a couple of more months of training would be of help.

"John," Lilith said. "The new year doesn't start until next September, so you have plenty of time to complete your training with Albert."

"Well, Lilith," Albert said. "He just needs to get a hold of his psychic powers before we continue the more advanced stuff."

"I think that Albert said something to me the other day that at the rate that I am going, I'll be as good as any vampire who just graduated high school."

I looked down at the letter and it read:

Dear student,

Welcome to the Count Dracula University of California and thank you for selecting us for your degrees in psychic vampirism and potion making. You will be pleased to know that as part of your training in potions does include a course in alchemy. What you will need is the following items and equipment:

1) A full chemistry set

2) the Complete Alchemists Guide by Albert Fitzgerald

3) Guide to the World of the Psychic Vampire by Albus Smith, which includes an abridgment of the true history of the vampire community in America

4) the Psychic Vampires Guide to Spell Working by Cindy Smith

5) the Vampire Guide to Amulets and How They're Made by Albert Fitzgerald

Sincerely, Count Dracula, Head Master and Ambassador to the European Vampires to America

To say I was smitten is an understatement but I wasn't sure where I was going to get these books.

"I think it's time for him to go down to the Witches Valley," Lilith said.

"I don't see any other way to obtain those books," Albert said. "And I think I can get a good deal on the chemistry kit, to be completely honest with you."

We all sat there watching one of those old, black and white dracula movies quietly and enjoying the charm that you just don't get in any other movie that came out in recent years.

That was the summer that I took the job starring in Dracula, a remake of the old black and white movie. It was the move that thrusted me into the A list and in my spare time I had spent learning the more advanced work as a psychic vampire. Of course I went of to the university but I think that I will save that for another story and another time.

thejefffrye420 Dec 10 '16 · Tags: fiction

It was this finale incident that we had a sit down with Albert, regardless of his juvinial sense of humor can be both serious and responsible and discussed with him teaching Alvin more responsible than the usual shenanigans.

"Well, alright," Albert said. "Even by my own standards I've allowed things to get a little out of hand."

"Okay, Albert," Lilith said. "And I'm assuming you're still coming on as the nanny this coming summer."

"That's a fair assumption." Albert replied.

"Well then I take it that proper payments are in order as agreed." I said as I pulled out two personal checks with the spaces already filled in by my hand. "The first check is your initial payment for the first month of work and the second is the usual funding for the first month. Also I am assuming you're going to do as you did last summer and that's keeping his mind fresh of what he has already learned thus far and lay the groundwork for the following falls learning."

"Yes," he said. "The kid does well in both mathematics and potions. All around he is a great student but math and potions is where he tends to do well at, closely followed by his spell work. I think we have a real prodigy here, I've got my hope up for him, and a lot of people are expecting great things from him. I honestly think he is what had been prophesied by Nostradamus."

"Prophecy," I said, being surprised. I never heard of Nostradamus, much less a prophecy about my kid. "I don't know anything about a prophecy. And who is this Nostradamus fellow?"

"He was a scryer during the Renaissance who made a great number of prophecies that would turn out to come true," Lilith explained "And one of them happens to be about our son, Alvin. The prophecy states that he would fight a dark figure with the help of three of his fellow classmates. The dark figure is said to be hell bent in obtaining the philosophers stone in order to obtain a great deal of power, both occultic and political, in order to hold the world hostage."

"I've never heard of the philosophers stone," I said.

"It's a stone used in alchemy in order to obtain anything one could imagine. Gold, a potion for a long life, you name it, the philosopher's stone can do it."

"Wait, that would assume that my powers, or any magical person's powers is limited in one form or another." I said.

"Yes," Albert said. "All our powers are limited. But the school keeps the stone carefully and secretly hidden. There are very powerful spells and traps around the vault that it is hidden in so not just anyone can get to it."

I was blown away, I almost felt like I was in some kind of real to life Harry Potter movie. It was during these early years of Alvins life that I realized how much I enjoyed a lot of the witch and wizard material I enjoyed. It would definitely explain why I would watch the same amount of television shows and movies as well as have a lot of books and posters on the subject as much as vampires and werewolves.

This was a real inner journey for me as much as a learning experience. A time of introspective for me and Lilith and I would state up hours to discuss the subject. Soulmates we have always been from the time we had meet on set.

"I think John is ready for more advance levels of magic," Lilith said. She had been doing the laundry like she always does every Saturday morning, talking to Albert on his lunch break.

"You know, Lilith," Albert replied, sitting at the coffee table in the laundry room that also doubled as his break room. "I think your right."


"Yea, I can give a letter of good standing to the university."

"The one near Harvard seems first rate, but the post out their by University of California is probably the best choice all around."

"I think you're right, Lilith, nevermind the fact that you went to the same one and gotten your masters in conjurations and minor in alchemy. Good colleague that one."

"Well, Albert, we do have that nest egg that we've yet to find a reason to crack into."

"Yea," Albert paused and thought for a moment. "Hey! that reminds me, that trust fund for Alvin is coming along just fine."

"Oh, yea, you're right."

"I suppose we could have the news broke over next week's Sunday's' dinner."

"A week from tomorrow is perfect, Albert," Lilith was giddy because not only was she planning a surprise birthday party for John, but the centerpiece of the acceptance letter of John being accepted into one of the best universities for vampires in America, if not the world.

"This is going to be the centerpiece of an already perfect birthday party, Lilith."

"I damn good and well know it, Albert."

"You know, I wonder about something," Albert said as he stroked his beared with both hands. He done this when he has one of his light bulb in his head was turning on. "I wonder about his psychic abilities."

"We've done nothing in the way to know one or the other," Lilith stopping and turning to look at Albert, eye to eye. "Shouldn't take more than a week to find out if he's,"

"Psychic, no, the test shouldn't take more than a week," Albert said, knowing exactly what needed to do in order to administer the test. In a puff of smoke, Albert transfigured to his Alchemist's Lab. He took various herbs and a couple of chemicals and laid them next to some beacons. He then reached behind him to grab some quick silver bars, pick out a ten gram bar, placed the rest back and then obtaining a two gram gold coin.

Like a master he whisked and with a puff of smoke and a small explosion, a potion came out into a small vial and at the bottom of the beacon was a mostly silver stone that was beautifully decorated with golden hues and random golden inlays. It had been a beautiful stone that I have rarely seen, maybe not more than I can count on a single hand or single foot.

The only thing Albert told me about the stone is that it came from years of experimentation and is usually the mark of a master alchemist.

"John, I think I've got a potion that I want you to try," Albert told me that Saturday afternoon.

"I don't suppose that you just want me to drink it without question," I said and then took the quark out of the vial. I had grown use to him just popping in and wanting me to drink potions without question, so I just drank the potion down and it tasted almost like a chocolate shake. "I don't feel anything, Albert, I'll give it a few minutes, unless you know something I don't."

"Yea, give it a few hours," Albert chuckled. "But give it a couple days and the fun really begins."

"What's that suppose ta," but then I paused before saying, "Nevermind, you're not going to tell me to begin with. And besides, I got to take a look at a script I just got the other day, I think I'm going to take it."

"Oh, yea," Albert said, his face lighting up with excitement.

"Yea, it's definitely going to make my carrier," I said, having a look in my eyes, just knowing things are going the way I wanted them to and in such a short time that it was unreal.

"John! Dinner time!" Lilith holder at me but by the time I got to the stair case, she was just walking up and started to yell at me when we caught eyes.

"That's odd," I thought to myself. "Dinner done yet?" I asked her but before she had a chance to answer it was like I could hear her thoughts.

The potion must be working but I'll have to wait and see,she thought. "Yes, John," she said. "I was about to holler at you."

"I'll be down in a minute, sweetheart," I replied.

I need to remember to go to the store tomorrow afternoon to pick up the book for Johns' birthday party next week,she thought as she was walking away. "Pasta tonight, pucky dearest," she said.

I began climbing down the stairs and walked in and seen that Alvin and Albert were in their usual spots in the dining room. The pasta, sauce, breadsticks, and salad was ready to serve. I stood next to her, holding a plate, and handing them to the next person, Alvin, then Albert, and finally myself. I sat at the head of the table with Lilith across from me and Alvin and Albert sat across from each other.

Dinner went smoothly except that I wasn't sure when I should tell them when I could hear their thoughts when I heard Lilith speak directly to me.

I know that your can hear my thoughts, John, she thought to me.

I don't know what to say,I thought to her.

Psychic ability is not that uncommon but people who become a magical being typically need a potion to get things going,Albert thought to me.

I think we need to begin basic training after dinner,Lilith said.

"Well, then it's settled," I said. Just the fun I could have reading people's thoughts. Learning how people honestly think of me and loads more.

We sat there and ate dinner in the usual family chatter, Lilith went over my list of possible birthday gift list and the most Alvin had a few things to say the best way a two year old could only pull off. That evaning I had begun my first lesson in psychic defense.

The first things you need to learn are how to protect your thoughts from others,Albert thoughtDefending your thoughts from those that don't need to be reading your thoughts,he paused for a moment

And the other, Albert,I thought to him.

And the other is how to block the thoughts of others because if you don't, especially in a crowed of people, you'll go nuts. Trust me, I've down that road before when I was first learning to my psychic abilities.He sat on the floor in the living room of his small apartment, several feet from the back of the house and I likewise sat across from him before he continued, The first thing we need to learn is to quiet the mind, quieting the mind at will shows your will over your own mind and thereby allowing to defend yourself against those that don't need to be in your head and to keep yourself out of the minds of others, all of this at your own will.

Sounds like basic meditation,I thought, being surprised.

Yes, of course, the lessons that I will be giving you over the next week are the final pieces of what will be later built upon in the more advanced lessons of vampirism.

In the last year, I had become quite proficient in my magical abilities and glad that I was about to begin some of the most advanced lesson that I ever had at this point, maybe even giddy.

After meditating for nearly five minutes, Albert handed me the stone that he had made with the potion, except that it was tied to some hemp string. He explained that it was a psychic amulet that was used for those like myself, it did everything that I had yet do on my own, blocking the thoughts of others while protecting my own from others and it did it's job very well.

thejefffrye420 Dec 10 '16 · Tags: fiction
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